Weight Loss 101: The Glossary

By Patti Parish-Kaminski, Publisher

I feel confident that my house shoes weigh at least 10 pounds – right?

Well, I’ve finally done it.  I’ve enrolled in a “program.”  Now I know what you’re thinking:  It’s not AA.  It’s a program to get rid of these final 20 extra pounds that have stuck to me like the smell of cheap perfume for nearly two years now.

Granted this is not my first foray into the world of self-help “programs.”  I think it’s the self-help part that really doesn’t work for me, but I digress.  Over the years I’ve been a card-carrying member of all manner of programs:  diet, self-realization (which is a fancy phrase for actually paying attention to the Ding Dong that you put in your mouth), calorie counters, meal prep – you name it, I’ve done it.  I’ve watched the weight, I’ve leaned the cuisine and I’ve Atkinsed like a fiend.  Nothing could battle the formidable final 20 to a victory.

So, in my new realm of battling the bulge, I am under a Physician Assistant’s care.  She’s new to me, so clearly there’s a learning curve, for her.  Her mantra is all I have to do is lose a pound a week.  In order to achieve my lofty goal week one, I got a haircut.  That saved me for a minute.

My week two visit revealed an interest conversation as she asked about my BMs.  The conversation went something like this:

“How are your BMs?” she posed.

“My friends say they are pretty good.  They like them,” I promptly replied.

Puzzled, she forged ahead.  “Your friends are involved in your BMs?

“Absolutely.  I don’t much care for them, but my friends love them so I oblige.”

“I’m not quite certain we’re talking about the same thing,” she queried.  “Bowel movements?”

“Oh,” I exclaimed.  “In my world BMs are Bloody Mary’s, and I’ve got those down.  The key is to use a virtual cornucopia of veggies and bacon.  Lots of bacon along with am ample pour of vodka.  You know, if we’re going to speak to each another in acronyms, I should probably provide you with a glossary.  It will only enhance our relationship.  And I’ve already learned from you, because when you told me you were a PA, I thought you were a Personal Assistant.  Honestly, I was kind of excited about that.  Weight management plus help with the minutia on the daily?  What could be better?”

She stared at me – for a minute.  I believe I rendered her speechless.  I have that effect on folks.

I haven’t had my week four visit yet, but I did receive a notification that my regular PA was not available for our appointment; she was sending in the JV.  I’m wondering if I’ve already run her off.  I’ll keep y’all posted.  See y’all next week – on the porch!

Patti Parish-Kaminski

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