By Patti Parish-Kaminski, Publisher
When a Southern woman is attacked, we improvise. Hair spray – 1. Bug spray – 0.
There I was at my desk, minding my own business, working feverishly on projects due within the next 24 hours, and I heard it. It sounded like a small twin engine plane was landing in my back yard. It was beyond distracting and loud – really loud.
For a minute, I thought I was in Colorado on my back porch during hummingbird season. Yep, we have super larger hummers there, and they are extremely loud. Of course, I do have two hummingbird feeders on the back porch, and yes, I make sugar water for the bitty but loud babies. I am officially becoming an old Southern woman.
I tried to ignore this dastardly distraction, but it finally got the better of me. I stopped what I was doing and began a thorough inspection of my office. Door open? Nope. Windows open? Not a one. AC on? Nada. There was no movement but the quiet blades of my ceiling fan and my fingers on the keyboard.
Toying with the idea that I was losing what was left of my ever-lovin’ mind, I commenced with my duties. Now I do get in the zone when I’m writing – I’ll readily admit to that. I am focused to a fault.
The next thing I knew a large red wasp was doing a fly by around my head. And when I say large, I mean humungous! This critter’s wingspan was at least two inches, and he was in my office!
I jumped up knocking papers, a calculator and multiple staplers to the floor thrashing around like I was in a prize fight. I pulled at least one muscle and spilled my Diet Coke. It was a scene.
Inhaling ragged breaths, hair askew and my desk completely destroyed, I prepared to do battle. I sprinted – at least in my mind I sprinted – downstairs and rummaged through cabinets until I found bug spray. The can boldly claimed, “Kills on contact.” I needed that – swift and immediate death. After all, this was war.
I cautiously opened the door to my office, weapon locked and loaded and searched for the insect invader. He was nowhere to be found. I calmed my nerves, cleaned up the chaos and commenced with my business.
Some twenty minutes later, the poisonous pest circled yet again. I grabbed the weapon of destruction, carefully placed on my desk and let him have it. A stream of disgust spewed from the can onto the invader – success! Not exactly. It appeared this attack of gargantuan goo really irritated the alien invader as he launched toward me with a purpose.
Now limping – pulled muscle and all – I retreated from the scene of the battle and searched for reinforcements. I made a mental note to send Cutter Bug Spray a strongly worded email about their false claims and procured the tried and true bug destroyer: hair spray.
I returned to the scene of the crime to find the wily wasp alive, well and quite angry. I marched right up him and let him have it from my trusty aerosol arsenal. The enemy stopped mid-flight and fell to the ground paralyzed. I sprayed him again – just for good measure – and went on my merry way. The hair spray can proudly disclaimed “mega hold.” Now that’s what I’m talking about – truth in advertising. See y’all next week – on the porch!
Patti Parish-Kaminski
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