Bullying

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Kids’ Corner |  By Patrick Biron –

Bullying. It is as hot of a buzzword and topic as any in schools nowadays – and for good reason. But what if I told you most parents, coaches and schools aren’t addressing the problem in a way that will properly fix it?

As a parent, it’s extremely painful to see your child being bullied. Your instinct will be to protect your child, but until you understand the problem, you can’t truly formulate a good solution. Visit www.stopbullying.gov for an explanation of what separates bullying from isolated instances of bad behavior.

The Bureau of Justice Statistics estimates that 28 percent of elementary school children are bullied, and bullies make up about 10 percent of the school population. The reason for the latter is more than just “kids will be kids.” It’s engrained in the psychological process that children go through in social situations and can be boiled down to three main steps.

A child enters a school or any social situation. Without fail, the child enters what I call the freak-out stage, when he is desperate to fit in but is unsure if he can. In response to this, the child will employ some tactic to not be excluded by the group. For some, this might be extroversion. Others will seek out those who share interests, and still others will choose to not speak at all to avoid rejection. In step three, they re-evaluate their status in the group and proceed to either repeat the action or try something new.

Now, consider a bully in this situation. A bully’s response in step two is usually to exploit the things that make other children more different than they are, be it appearance, strength, interests or something else readily identifiable. What the bully is saying to the group around him is two things: The other child is more different than he is and that he has the most power in the group, because no one will stop him.

It’s easy to want to address the bully in this situation, and obviously the bullied as well, but the true solution comes from addressing the group. Over 90 percent of children will directly witness bullying at school, and their reason for not speaking up to stop it is rather easy to understand: They don’t want to be bullied. They are going through their own freak-out cycle, and the way that they fit in is by not standing up to the bully and becoming a target themselves. This fear, however, is based on the concern that they will be alone in doing what is right. If they knew the whole group wouldn’t tolerate bullying, then they would absolutely speak up, since not doing so would be the thing that made them different.

In my career, I make sure everyone who walks in the door knows that our team doesn’t tolerate bullies, and we stand
up to them together. We proactively empower our kids
and adults with the courage to do something and the
knowledge to do it effectively. Kids know that if they see someone standing up to a bully, then it’s their job to help. We have to constantly and purposefully remind ourselves and our kids what to do, but we have set an important standard. Bullies know that bullying won’t just result in discipline,
but more importantly, it will result in them being singled out from the group, and nothing terrifies them more than that.

Bullies need consequences, and the bullied need our help. But to truly stop the problem, focus on the 90 percent
of bystanders, and stop the issue before it even begins.